A dance for self-love

Few minutes ago, I was feeling sad, alone, unloved… not knowing what to do, what to be… Tired of this journey…even if day after day I can sense the joy that allows me to surrender and have faith that I am doing the right thing, that I don’t need to worry, that all is well…

There is this deep desire to say : ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

I am tired of these voices that are speaking in my head telling me what I should do, what I shouldn’t do, what it is right, what it is not right
I am tired of all this bullshit.
I am tired to believe that there is no space for me to be, to exist… with my dreams, desires… my “insanity”.

I am tired of “me”. I am tired of being “fake”. I am tired of playing a role. I am tired of carrying a mask.
I am tired!!! I don’t know how to get rid of this mask and just be me. I don’t have all the answers but I want to move on.

I want to be the real me. I have been seeking for my true self for so long and I keep seeking.
Art has been my healer, my guide throughout this journey.
I want to go deeper and share this gift with the world but I keep having obstacles on my way… I AM TIRED!

What is it stopping me from being me, from living my dreams, from becoming an artist…? What is it that I need to get rid of? What is it that I need to accept? What is it that I need to do?

Again, I don’t have all the answers… I AM TIRED!

But when I create, sing, dance, paint, write… I find joy, love, hope and faith… I live in the present moment and I know that this is my path.

I am sharing a video of me dancing… why not?
After feeling down, I started dancing…this is my way to make peace with who I am.

I am feeling the need to share this video. First time that I am dancing in front of my camera…

I just want to share this part of me who has been in the shadow for so long.

Love   

Video link : Dance for self-love

Song: Nothing is gonna hurt you baby
by Cigarettes after Sex

 

What Does my Body Have to Tell me? Day 1

I started my first dance in my bedroom, after writing my first article about building a new relationship with my body.

I danced for less than 2 minutes and I saw myself in my backyard lying on the grass.

Then, I went to the backyard lied down and felt this amazing connexion with the elements. I spent time contemplating the beauty around me and listened to the birds. I felt at peace and some kind of bliss. Heaven!

Afterwards, I felt the need to stand up and dance again. I moved my body then I started hitting the ground so strongly ; there was so much anger that needed to be released.

The more I kept stomping my feet, the clearer I would see myself embodying an indigenous warrior from the Pacific Islands gathering its strength and fearlessness to face whatever needed to be faced.

Later on, circumstances brought me to a reality that I had to face. I am not sharing what  happened because part of the story is not mine. But the situation was quite ugly and I felt anger, resentment, disgust, disconfort and I wanted to blame the other person. I didn’t. I don’t know if what I said was right but at least I didn’t burst into anger and start blaming the other person.

But afterwards, I wrote about it,took a step back and realized that it wasn’t my story.

By being directed to this situation as terrible as it was for me, it was a reminder from the Universe that I had idealized people that were close to me, that we all have a light and a shadow but my responsibility is not to judge others but to take care of my own shadow and things that I don’t want to admit to myself. I also gained another insight that I am not here to fix, save or live the life of another person to protect that person; but this is topic that I am not going to cover today.

I was holding onto a belief about men that was not helping neither my relationship with myself nor with any potential man.But the most important one right now is my relationship with myself and with my inner masculine.

On an unconscious level, I was having deep rooted beliefs that men were cheaters, liars, abusers, do not respect women, do not care about women, aggressive etc…

What does this tell about me?

I believe that there are a lot of amazing men out there who respect women, treat them well, have only the highest intention towards them but…

On an unconscious level, I had this belief that I need to care of.

By rejecting the masculine, I am rejecting a part of myself which creates a lot of disharmony and conflicts.

By accepting the masculine, I choose to make the necessary changes and embody the light that would support me in creating more balance in my life.

On the bright side, the masculine is about taking action, integrity, leadership,  motivation, discipline, support, protection  etc…

On the dark side, the masculine is about competition, addiction, anger, revenge, violence, control, dishonesty etc..

There is definitely more in both lists but I mentioned only those that speak to me the most right now.

How can I transform the “negative” masculine into the “positive” one?

I am going back to the TWO questions that I asked myself today?

  • What is my body asking from me right now?
  • How can I attend to my body’s needs through self-love and self-care right now?

As I mentioned in a previous post that I am in physical pain. I have two herniated discs. The one on the right side is quite voluminous and it creates some terrible tensions and a sciatica on the right leg that I can barely stand up without feeling an intense pain.

From what I know, the right side of the body represents the masculine. I believe that my body is asking me to take care of my inner masculine: to take action, to be more disciplined, to accept to take responsibility and have leadership roles, to be honest with myself and do what I believe in etc..

I want to! But why am I not able to make those changes?

Because I keep living in blame, resentment, anger towards others and mainly towards myself. I would not finish what I started, I would not do something that I said I would do, I would not implement my ideas because I believed they were worthless. I would be constantly sabotaging myself.

So the root of the problem is blame, anger and resentment. The remedy, I believe, is to bring more acceptance, love, compassion and forgiveness.

I heard that prayers work.

I heard that mantras work as well.

I heard that positive affirmations such as “I love myself” work too.

I have been using all these techniques but I have never been consistant.

So what would work for me?

I am going to ask my body again through dance and see what answers it has to offer: What do you suggest, my dear body? What is the best way to bring more acceptance, love, compassion and forgiveness?

After dancing, what I understood from the movements is that my body is craving for this kind of space that I am creating. My body wants to be heard, wants to share its story and wants to move. It wants to tell me what I didn’t want to hear and accept.

By creating this space for healing, I am bringing more love, acceptance, compassion and forgiveness. This is a big step.

Beautiful!

What I like about this practice is that I can do it wherever I feel the need to during the day:

  • when I feel bored,
  • when I feel anxious
  • when I feel that I want to dive into a bad habit.
  • when I feel some emotions that I have a hard time to express
  • when I am in my thoughts etc…

This is just the beginning of this new ritual but I feel confident about it. It can take less than a minute and I could receive so much goodness from it.

I am so grateful that I am defining a new way of doing things and exploring my inner vision and intuition.

This is not victory yet but I am just allowing to experience my heart’s desire.

 

 

 

 

 

My Body Wants to Dance

My body is crying.
My body is in pain,
for so much neglect,
hatred
and self-damage.

I am in pain for months now
And I feel so much despair.

I have isolated myself,
because I can barely
stand up for more than 5 minutes
without feeling the deep pain.

I live in a constant fear
of feeling the pain.
So I choose to spend most of the time
lying down or sitting on a chair.

I want to cry
because I don’t know what I need to do,
or what I am asked to do.

I have been working on myself,
I have been trying to impose
to myself a healthy lifestyle,
but everything seems to fall down
because I sabotage myself.

I don’t want to keep being
my own abuser;
abuse my body and my inner child.

I want to become a lover.
I want to love all parts of myself,
including my body,
because I know I deserve it so much.

I deserve so much love
but sometimes I feel
that my wounded child
is asking for so much attention
that I am not able to provide.

Cause my mind is so focused
on what I believe I should do
to be accepted and loved by others;
instead of focusing on
my needs and priorities towards
healing and self-love.

Cause my mind is so obsessed
of carving a path of success,
instead of caring of what matters
the most right now.

Cause my mind doesn’t believe
that self-love, attending to my needs,
being in the present moment
are key to create harmony and
balance in my life.

I am angry at myself,
and this is not helping me.

I am angry because
I don’t seem to find
my way out from
neglect and self-harm.

Why am I sharing this part of me?
Because I am in despair.
Because I want to believe that there is a way.
Because I want to create a space for my body to heal.
Because I want to feel the support that I need so much.
Because I want to document my body’s journey towards healing.
Because I want to be consistent in making change.
Because I want to take action even if for the first time I am willing to accept that small actions may be a wiser way for me to start.

How am I going to do this?
I don’t know yet.

What I know is I am willing to ask myself these TWO questions:

  • What is my body asking from me right now?
  • How can I attend to my body’s needs through self-love and self-care right now?

While I am writing this right now, I see myseIf dancing.

I can see myself answering to the first question through having a dance practice of a few minutes every morning before starting the day or every time I feel called to.

I know that I gain a lot of insights and ideas through dancing, but since I got my back/leg pain, I have been avoiding dancing.

Now it is time for me
to give even one minute
to dance,
with no pressure,
just allowing myself,
to feel
and receive
whatever my body
feels safe to share.

I am willing to create this space
of allowing myself
to be present,
intimate,
receptive
and loving
towards my body.

I usually put a lot of pressure on me.
For once,
I just want to feel some ease,
gentleness and joy in the process,
and to have no expectation
other than create more space
for self-love
in my life.

I am excited about the idea of accepting healing by bringing more beauty into my life
through dance even if it is for few minutes.

I am curious.

I will document this journey on a daily basis in the way I feel close to my heart.

Love.